Today I woke up not exactly in a good mood. You could say ‘I got out the wrong side of bed’, but truth is, I was so far from the “right side” that I could have been sleeping in the bath tub! And equally as uncomfortable. I made Grumpy look more like Little Miss Sunshine! And the worst thing is, I have no idea why! Nothing had happened that morning, I’d had an uninterrupted nights sleep, and it wasn’t time of the month.
As a mummy, life goes on. No time for pep talks, or reassuring hugs from the hubby! I had 2 hungry beagles to feed who act every time like they haven’t eaten for weeks, 2 children to make breakfast for, trying to keep it together while they informed me they had the wrong bowl or they didnt like “magic hoops’ anymore, even though it was their favourite yesterday! And trying to coax them to get dressed is exhausting when you already have no patience! But the worst part is the anxiety of seeing someone you know at the school gates and have to pretend to be ok. To paint on a smile and hope they don’t see through your facade. THAT is what is most exhausting.
Before I had my 2 gorgeous, funny, creative, angelic, intelligent daughters (they get all that from me obvs) I was Little Miss Sunshine. I always had a smile on my face, a spring in my step and was the embodiment of optimism! I lived my life as if it was straight out of the pages from a Beatrix Potter book. I was everyone’s go to friend if they needed cheering up. My first daughter, Sofia came along, and nothing changed. When Amelia came along, everything changed. I found it hard to adjust to having two children, running a household, building up my mobile business and being the dutiful wife I thought (but wasn’t expected) to be. I was last on the list.
After the first year, I hardly recognised myself. Hair and make up had made way for an extra 5 minutes in bed. I was irritable, fretful, short fused. The mamouth task of leaving the house and going out with a toddler and a baby filled me so much with dread, I didn’t bother. I’d only forget something anyway! But I had to keep this all under wraps, heavens forbid that my cheerful demener should slip. I was my own worst enemy. I was hard in myself for feeling like that when I had 2 very presciuos things that some people never get. I felt guilty for feeling that way, when I had no reason to, and that in itself made me feel worse! And all this without telling a sole. I didn’t want anyone to know that ‘the happy one’ of the group wasn’t so happy. So I carried on pretending. And I felt like a fraud, which again, added to my problems.
As they say “a problem shared, is a problem halved” and it’s so true. And that’s partly why I’ve written this blog today. It’s not for sympathy, or for anyone to change the way they are around me. Infact, it’s quite the opposite, as I’d be mortally embarrassed if any of my friends were to bring this up in conversation! I did it to lighten the load, the heaviness of keeping the secret, to halve the problem. And it’s already working. Writing this is like self therapy. The cat is well and truly out of the bag now, and as far as I’m concerned, it can find a river somewhere and drown. And I’m usually a big animal lover!
Jokes aside, I’m finally feeling more like my usual Beatrix Potter self these days. I’ve started to make an extra effort with my appearance again, hair make up, nails. It makes me feel good! And I don’t feel guilty for spending a little more time on myself rather than on the girls, as I’m a much better mummy to them now than I was last year in the midst of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the odd day, like today, where I feel a bit flat, or “meh” as all the hip kids are saying, but I don’t give into it anymore. Instead of thinking of all the things I could and should be doing, I’m sat snuggling the girls on the sofa, watching a Disney movie. They are the best antidote I could ever wish for 💗